Screw the Perrier Awards or whatever they're called these days. The Golden Ocelots are the true mark of Fringe fame or failure.
Most resounding endorsement from a flyerer
"Me mam’s seen it. She said it was alright."
Most tenuous ornithological segue from a flyerer
"Excuse me, are those seagulls printed on your backpack?"
"Um, no, they’re swallows."
"Oh, not seagulls?"
"No, you see the forked tails…"
"Only we’re doing a production of the last act of Chekov’s The Seagull and I thought you might like to see it."
Most redundant recommendation from a flyerer
"He’s quite famous"
Most slappable face on a poster
Runner-up goes to Carl Donnelly: Jive Ass Honky, for the sheer ubiquity of his moody makeover mug on every bloody lamppost in town.
The Lee Evans Award for Sweatiest Performer
The Story Beast, who managed to sweat right through his raincoat. God knows what state it’ll be in by the end of the month.
Swankiest eating experience
Jamie's restaurant in the Assembly Rooms. You can sit at a wee table on your own and not look like a complete Johnny No-Mates. Especially if you are wearing a made-up Fringe lanyard and are trying your best to look like a hard-working performer in between gigs.
Worst pub service
Has to go to the bearded , somewhat Scandinavian barman at the Blind Poet on West Nicholson Street who pointedly ignored me in favour of several later patrons standing directly in front of him, and who ensured his award by snapping at a nice lady who asked if he could put the music back on. Beardy Scando Barman, you can just bum right off.
Most disappointing tea
The ash grey tepidity served at the Nation Museum of Scotland.
The heart-shaped shortbread sold at the Modern Art Gallery.
The armchairs in one of the Gilded Balloon bars.
Honourable mention to the chaises longues at Madamoiselle Macaron.
The cramped chairs in the Paradise In The Vault, a glorified corridor. When the guy in front of me sat down he almost dislocated both my kneecaps.
Most overrated show
One Man Breaking Bad: the unauthorised parody. Love of the source material cannot make up for lack of pace and precious few chuckles.
Favourite shows (in no particular order)
Jon Ronson: So You've Been Publicly Shamed (talk)
Tom Neenan: The Andromeda Paradox (comedy)
The Story Beast (comedy)
The Rattlesnake's Kiss (theatre)