Monday, 17 August 2015

The Chocolate Ocelot's 2015 Fringe: Awards

Screw the Perrier Awards or whatever they're called these days. The Golden Ocelots are the true mark of Fringe fame or failure.

Most resounding endorsement from a flyerer

"Me mam’s seen it. She said it was alright."

Most tenuous ornithological segue from a flyerer

"Excuse me, are those seagulls printed on your backpack?"
"Um, no, they’re swallows."
"Oh, not seagulls?"
"No, you see the forked tails…"
"Only we’re doing a production of the last act of Chekov’s The Seagull and I thought you might like to see it."

Most redundant recommendation from a flyerer

"He’s quite famous"

Most slappable face on a poster

Baldy leather kilt wearer Craig Hill: Playing With My Selfie, for the second year running.
Runner-up goes to Carl Donnelly: Jive Ass Honky, for the sheer ubiquity of his moody makeover mug on every bloody lamppost in town.

The Lee Evans Award for Sweatiest Performer

The Story Beast, who managed to sweat right through his raincoat. God knows what state it’ll be in by the end of the month.

Swankiest eating experience

Jamie's restaurant in the Assembly Rooms. You can sit at a wee table on your own and not look like a complete Johnny No-Mates. Especially if you are wearing a made-up Fringe lanyard and are trying your best to look like a hard-working performer in between gigs.

Worst pub service

Has to go to the bearded , somewhat Scandinavian barman at the Blind Poet on West Nicholson Street who pointedly ignored me in favour of several later patrons standing directly in front of him, and who ensured his award by snapping at a nice lady who asked if he could put the music back on. Beardy Scando Barman, you can just bum right off.

Most disappointing tea

The ash grey tepidity served at the Nation Museum of Scotland.

Yummiest biscuit

The heart-shaped shortbread sold at the Modern Art Gallery.

Comfiest seats

The armchairs in one of the Gilded Balloon bars.
Honourable mention to the chaises longues at Madamoiselle Macaron.

Worst seats

The cramped chairs in the Paradise In The Vault, a glorified corridor. When the guy in front of me sat down he almost dislocated both my kneecaps.

Most overrated show

One Man Breaking Bad: the unauthorised parody. Love of the source material cannot make up for lack of pace and precious few chuckles.

Favourite shows (in no particular order)

Jon Ronson: So You've Been Publicly Shamed (talk)
Tom Neenan: The Andromeda Paradox (comedy)
Blam! (physical)
The Story Beast (comedy)
The Rattlesnake's Kiss (theatre)


Maisie said...

See also "Can you put this unread in the next bin your passing." Quickly followed by, "You've got a lanyard, I won't bother you." Heh heh heh

Maisie said...

Ahhhhh! Grammar crime. You're not your. Epic fail.