Monday, 13 July 2015

Screen Dumps

In which the Ocelot burbles on about telly and fillums.

The Danger Mouse Paradox

He's terrific.
And another thing, right? Danger Mouse. So we were watching a couple of episodes late last night, and DM and Penfold are hopping off and on the Orient Express and nosing around galleries in Venice. Despite being a (dangerous) mouse and a (frankly useless) hamster, they're clearly of roughly human adult size, or at worst child size.
But, but, they live in a frickin' postbox! Not crammed inside like a couple of mummies spooning in a sarcophagus, but like it's a big red penthouse! And when they fly out in their car on a mission, they leave via a secret exit in the bloody kerbstone! They are clearly actual rodent size at that point, but by the time they arrive at the mission target, they've grown by a factor of 8. What gives? I can only conclude that DM's flying car is also equipped with size-changing Pym Particles - a reference that only a small fraction of the population understands right now (until July 17th).

So assuming that DM and Penfold have access to size-changing technology en route, what does that mean for Baron Greenback, Stiletto and the rest of the villains? We never see them in the postbox, only in the outside world, where they're all human-sized too. Do they shrink and grow, or are they always big? Is Greenback sometimes toad-sized and sometimes human sized? What about Nero, whatever the Cosgrove-Hall he is?
It's this sort of shoddy writing that destroys any willing suspension of disbelief in the greatest secret agent in the world being a one-eyed mouse in a matching turtle neck (or possibly he just has a distressing band of goitres).
Also, even though the eyepatch only conceals his (presumably horrific) blind eye, there's no eyebrow above the patch. Was it burnt off in whatever traumatic incident destroyed his eyeball? Or does he simply shave it off so it doesn't get tangled up in the patch's string?
Next: Why it's always better to be in a team of two in Blockbusters.

Game of Tardisses

I understand that Ahyah Stark is guest-starring in the next series of Dr Who
Here's hoping for more Game of Thrones cameos. Personally I'd like to see the Hound turning up with a chainsword and going Dee-Kay, and Ser Jorah dragging along behind the Doctor, helpfully explaining the local customs of every fricking place they go to.

Han Solo Prequel

"That must be your mama's land-speeder!"
Let the crying out of millions of voices commence.
I very much hope that this Solo solo will give us an insecure teen Han, possibly with a stammer and poor blaster skills. Chewie could have lank fur hanging down over his eyes and an ironic bandolier worn backwards. Also Lando with a Kid'n'Play hi-top fade.
Let the crying out of millions of voices commence.
I've just thought - they could do the entire prequel using footage of Harrison Ford from pre-Star Wars films. All they'd have to do is crop him out of American Graffiti and stick him in a souped-up black hot-pod, hassling other drivers on a Saturday night.

SFX: Now celebrating 20 years of
a tedious SEX gag on the cover

The Bland From UNCLE

Promo shot from the new Man from UNCLE, courtesy of SFX mag.
I hate to pre-judge (who am I kidding - I love it), but don't this pair look like the blandest possible casting choice? Armie Hammer especially looks like he's been given a Fassbender-as-Prometheus-droid makeunder.
I have already recast this film in my head with Jon Hamm and Aaron Paul and find it much more to my liking.


Much as I find many elements of the TV adaptation of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell irritating (far too many Johns, preposterous Metaluna fairy, long-windedness, horrible orange-and-teal colour tint, Paul Kaye's off-the-peg mystic tramp, the dull, dull Stephen), I cannot get enough of fruity Mr Drawlight rolling his mouth around "Mister NorrrrELL".
I quite like Childermass too, for all his geezery scowling.
And the actual big-ass magical effects are cool, 'specially the sandhorses and the rainships. And Bigby's Giant Muddy Hand.

Oh, and "Do you wish to be shot? Then behave differently" was good too.

Pitch of the Day

Been thinking up movie titles today.
Sweet Christmas!
The best one so far is The Moomin Centipede.
I thank you.

Cage Match

I'm probably far from the first person to say it, but man, Terry Crews would have been perfect to play Luke Cage. A bit too old now, unforch.
I'm sure Mike Colter'll be alright, but Terry Crews is Cage to his toes.

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